Before I had kids there were so many "what ifs" to my life. But they were exciting and fun to think about. The "what ifs" back then were new adventures and opportunities waiting to knock. And then I had kids. And soon became a single mom.
Not only did I have two twin girls, and that changes everything for every mommy, but I had Riley. Having a disabled, special needs, and medically fragile child dramatically changes all of your "what ifs" forever!
This weekend has been a hard one for me. For some reasons I can clearly identify and for some I can't. When these days come I can't fight all those worrisome "what ifs" very well. On a normal day I fight them by counting my blessings and focusing on the today and the now. But on these rare bad days, I can't keep the flood gates closed.
What if Riley's lungs don't do well this winter? What if Riley's head never grows any larger? What if Riley starts having more and more seizures? What if Riley gets pneumonia? What if Riley never talks or walks? What if I can't provide their basic needs as I am struggling now? What if Keagan resents all the attention on Riley? What if Riley's heart gets worse? What if Riley requires a heart transplant? And the worst...what if my baby dies before I do? Or even worse then that...what if I die before her? Then who deals with the "what ifs?"
The fear occasionally envelops me. It leaves me in terror and loneliness as I must carry the "what ifs" all alone despite many who love and support both of us. This is such a raw feeling that I'm sure is very familiar to so many special needs moms and dads. A feeling which I wish none of us had to face! Especially alone.
The good thing is I have the Lord on my side. With Him there is no "what ifs." He knows His plan for all 3 of us and like always He will carry us through. Hopefully tonight He will take away those terrifying "what ifs." I hope He can help me close the flood gates and return back to counting my blessings. Otherwise I just may be consumed by these horrible "what ifs."
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Hugs Emily for you. If I've learned anything these past three years, it's that He has a plan. We will get through. I face one day at a time. Sometimes one hours at a time. You are doing a wonderful job. I am sure that will continue. You will be in tune to their needs and wants. You will move mountains for them. Through it all, the Lord will be by your side. I have no doubt.
ReplyDeleteThe "what if's" are a tender mercy and even a blessing. It may not seem so for they really rip your heart into 10,000 pieces. I believe it is the way Heavenly Father helps us to be aware of realities and to prepare and plan for the future. These kiddos are very very special and I don't think we will completely understand that until after this mess is all said and done. We catch glimpses of Shelby and the celestial being she is. I'm sure you have those same 'glimpses' with Riley. I balance the what if's with that opposite feeling of wondering what I did to deserve being blessed with such an amazing and special blessing. To live with and know and be a parent to a celestial being on Earth. A very rare gift indeed. You are saying and feeling all the right things. You have your head on straight. You can have confidence in knowing you have been given charge over Riley and like Shelley said you will be and are in tune to their needs.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Kevin
I LOVE your blog - you write as great as Lisa! You and your sweet girls are very blessed to have each other! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
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