Gratitude in Grief

My moms passing is still very raw and sorrowful. Since she went to join my dad in heaven 3 weeks ago, there has not been a single day that I have not been brought to tears, and often the deep gut wrenching kind. I will miss her more then there are words to say. After being her care taker for so many years and seeing her everyday, there is a huge whole in my life and in my heart. But before I can’t see thru my tears to type this post I better move on to the parts of her passing that I am grateful for instead of the pain. Because at times I am so overcome with heartache I can’t breathe. At times I am angry. And sometimes I can’t stop thinking of her in order to do anything else. But while accepting all of that and living it, I am also trying daily to practice what I preach and find gratitude in my grief. 

I’m grateful my mom got her wish and that she is no longer suffering. She was very clearly wanting to go be with my dad, my sister and niece on the other side of the veil and I’m so happy for her. I know they were there waiting to welcome her. 

I am incredibly grateful to know the plan of salvation and know that I will see my mom again. Because of Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Fathers plan I will be with my mom again one day. 

I am grateful to have had her as my mother for almost 43 years and for all she taught me. I still wish I had more time but I’m thankful for what I got. 

I’m grateful for the legacy she left full of faith, an importance of family, strength, humor and love. And the amazing family she left that legacy to! 

I am grateful she was in a beautiful care cottage and so well taken care of when she died. She knew I was coming at noon and she crossed over at 10:30am peacefully in her sleep. I have no doubt that was her choice as she did everything her own way. 

I’m grateful I spent the entire day with her the day before and for all the time I’ve had with her over the last 6 months that she has been sick and the last 12 years I have lived with her. And so grateful at the care cottage the girls were able to visit her at her window several times and exchange I love you’s. 

I’m grateful for the three days we had together as a family during her funeral. It’s crazy because it was full of so much sorrow but it was also full of so much joy and fun. We spent hours and hours talking, laughing, playing games, laughing more, comforting each-other and eating. 

I’m grateful for all the texts, calls, cards and love sent from near and far. For the packages, meals brought in and love expressed. And most importantly all the prayers that have been literally carrying me thru this! 

I’m grateful that the viewing and the funeral went as well as it could have possibly gone! In particular I’m grateful for all of the dear family that traveled from far away to be here with us, all of those that came to the viewing, those that we love who came to the graveside which was about 50 of us all together, that Lisa, Vicki, Kari and I got to help dress her and prepare her body for heaven, the unbelievably gorgeous flowers Bryson Black did, that her deal of a beautiful Costco casket worked out after some drama, the special moment I had to put her veil on before we closed the casket, family prayer, the serious fun that all the grandkids had at the viewing, that the bad weather missed us so we could hold the graveside service and that the Lord gave me strength to speak at the graveside. I would actually like to share what I said at the short but intimate and beautiful graveside service before the grave was dedicated to the Lord. 

Our prophet President Russell M Nelson recently said “the only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.” What a comfort that has been to me. Because although this grief is so hard to bear, I wouldn’t trade it for the absence of my moms love in my life. So I guess I can say the heartache is worth it because I had the great privilege of being loved by and loving my mom Joan Edwards Ginn. To be honest, I don’t know what my life looks like without her in it. I’m sure the Lord is going to help me figure it out but I really don’t know how I’m going to go on. But what I do know is it is one of my life’s greatest honors to have been my parents daughter. The blessings of that are worth the grief I have now. So I will forever be grateful. Grateful in my grief.