one. I'm usually a look at the glass and convince myself it's even more then half full type of gal. I believe in smiling through pain and always finding the silver lining. And I can't help but balance a negative with a positive. This is no big doing on my part. It's just the way the Lord made me.
The title of this blog is Bloom Where You're Planted. That has always been my intention but it was more profound after my girls were born and I got divorced. I am built to smile and bloom despite the life I have as a single mom with twin girls and one who is special needs. I struggle everyday to make ends meet, provide a good balance of love, attention and discipline, organize, supervise and attend all of Riley's endless therapies and doctor visits, serve in my calling at church over the young women, do all that my Heavenly Father asks, maintain family and friend relationships, keep up on new research about therapies, treatments, medical equipment, help Riley with all the tasks for daily living that come natural to most almost 4 year olds and just plain survive. With all of this going on I occasionally feel I have alot of balls I'm juggling at once. It's a very delicate routine I'm doing to keep them all in the air, but one that I undoubtedly do happily. There's not one ball that I don't love having to juggle. But...
Last night the balls all came crashing down. Hard.
I read an article last night about one of the two of Riley's most serious diagnosis, Polymicrogyria. I have always known that this is one of the 4 diagnosis that come with a shortened life expectancy, but no one ever gives ages. Last night some researcher gave it to me.
EIGHT.
A life expectancy of EIGHT years old.
I thought my heart would fall out of my chest. And today it's been dangling by threads. My brain is bouncing around in my skull and my stomach is lodged somewhere in my feet. EIGHT?!?! How can they say that?! My baby is half way there and she hasn't even begun to accomplish half the things her incredible life is meant for. She is just beginning to fulfill her mission on earth, and touch all the lives that she is meant to!
I want to so badly laugh in the face of the eight! I keep reminding myself that Riley has never been a statistic! She is a miracle and has surpassed all expectations set for her. But instead I'm crying. And not a pretty cry. That deep down painful ugly cry. Because I don't just love my baby and love kissing her beautiful face everyday. I adore it, cherish it and can not fathom living my life without it.
I am hoping sometime between tonight and tomorrow I will be able to pick up all my balls to begin juggling again and that very, very soon I will laugh at that stupid eight! Hopefully tomorrow I will again bloom where I'm planted. But tonight I pray and I definitely cry.
Maybe my tears can be the fertilizer my garden has needed all along.
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Emily,
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and the information you have recieved. I know Riley. Riley is not a statistic. Riley is Riley. Her will and grace will achieve so much more than statistics say she will. I know you know that as well. I have my own little miracle that has spent his life over achieving. Out pacing what every single Doctor said he could accomplish. The problem with Doctors is that they by nature and need are too attached to science.
Trust God and know that his will can never take you where his grace can't sustain you.
Love,
The Hamm's
I love you Em!! There was a reason we both married and divorced who we did and it was so we could become sisters!! I love those two girls even though I haven't seen them since they were six weeks old. I love Riley because when I have those tough days, it is always her smile that makes me feel better!! She definitely has touched my heart thousands of miles away!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom and Riley is a blessing. Riley is NOT a statistic. I love you and it's okay to cry sometimes. The Lord loves you and sweet Riley. He counts your tears I promise. I love you too!!!!
ReplyDeleteGardens need water to grow. Water that gloriously beautiful garden, Em. Your gifts and your talents and your love over-floweth, as should your tears. You are blessed and entitled to cry the tears of a mother who was trusted with two of God's greatest spirits. In that process, your pain will at times be as strong as your joy. But in the eternities, your pain will be a far and distant memory. This post breaks my heart. I love you and your sweet angels.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers your way. I truly believe it is good to cry. It helps relieve all that is building up inside. You are an amazing woman and God is with you....and Riley. You can't think of a number. Live each day to the fullest and know you have given your daughters all that you can....with no regrets. Love, Mrs. Travis
ReplyDeleteI cry with you Emily! I wish I could use a magic wand that fixes things immediately...you have certainly endured a lot and so have your children. These girls have been your strength and blessing...all of your struggles have infused into your bloom and I believe you are firmly planted. I know for myself that there have been times when I believed that I had done everything He wanted me to do and was hit with the seeds of doubt asking why does it continue because it seemed that my prayers may have been listened to but just did not seem to be answered. They were answered...as the Lord would have it. I had to learn to trust in Him. I agree with your friends the Hamm's...that you need to continue to trust the Lord....he has promised to sustain you. My prayers continue for you and your girls, especially Riley. She has a beautiful smile that has the message of a thousand words for those who see it....of a very special spirit with a very special mom and sister. God bless you this day and always.....I have come to love your family from a distance...your blog has helped me in ways you don't realize.
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