one. I'm usually a look at the glass and convince myself it's even more then half full type of gal. I believe in smiling through pain and always finding the silver lining. And I can't help but balance a negative with a positive. This is no big doing on my part. It's just the way the Lord made me.
The title of this blog is Bloom Where You're Planted. That has always been my intention but it was more profound after my girls were born and I got divorced. I am built to smile and bloom despite the life I have as a single mom with twin girls and one who is special needs. I struggle everyday to make ends meet, provide a good balance of love, attention and discipline, organize, supervise and attend all of Riley's endless therapies and doctor visits, serve in my calling at church over the young women, do all that my Heavenly Father asks, maintain family and friend relationships, keep up on new research about therapies, treatments, medical equipment, help Riley with all the tasks for daily living that come natural to most almost 4 year olds and just plain survive. With all of this going on I occasionally feel I have alot of balls I'm juggling at once. It's a very delicate routine I'm doing to keep them all in the air, but one that I undoubtedly do happily. There's not one ball that I don't love having to juggle. But...
Last night the balls all came crashing down. Hard.
I read an article last night about one of the two of Riley's most serious diagnosis, Polymicrogyria. I have always known that this is one of the 4 diagnosis that come with a shortened life expectancy, but no one ever gives ages. Last night some researcher gave it to me.
EIGHT.
A life expectancy of EIGHT years old.
I thought my heart would fall out of my chest. And today it's been dangling by threads. My brain is bouncing around in my skull and my stomach is lodged somewhere in my feet. EIGHT?!?! How can they say that?! My baby is half way there and she hasn't even begun to accomplish half the things her incredible life is meant for. She is just beginning to fulfill her mission on earth, and touch all the lives that she is meant to!
I want to so badly laugh in the face of the eight! I keep reminding myself that Riley has never been a statistic! She is a miracle and has surpassed all expectations set for her. But instead I'm crying. And not a pretty cry. That deep down painful ugly cry. Because I don't just love my baby and love kissing her beautiful face everyday. I adore it, cherish it and can not fathom living my life without it.
I am hoping sometime between tonight and tomorrow I will be able to pick up all my balls to begin juggling again and that very, very soon I will laugh at that stupid eight! Hopefully tomorrow I will again bloom where I'm planted. But tonight I pray and I definitely cry.
Maybe my tears can be the fertilizer my garden has needed all along.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone